Following on from last weekend’s Top 12, we are pleased to announce the creators of the Top 5 Flab-fighting tips, complete with the tips themselves, again in author surname alphabetical order. We’d love to have your feedback. Please do comment!
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Karen Booth – The Regulating Waistband Plan |
| Sort the contents of your wardrobe into two piles – one a size or two smaller than your real size, the other one or two sizes bigger than you really need (this shouldn’t be a problem for anyone who can relate to yo-yo dieting who’s likely to have a range of sizes in their wardrobe for fat and thin stages). The idea is to wear the smaller sizes whenever you’re at home or working alone – anytime you’re going to come across few people. You’ll find it difficult stuffing yourself when your waistband’s cutting you in two, you’re likely to feel full quicker and the rolls and muffin tops you see every time you pass a mirror will be a candid reminder of the need to watch what you eat!When it comes to socialising and being in company, it’s time to choose from the ‘two sizes bigger’ outfits and revel in the compliments when your friends ask if you’ve lost weight – well surely you must have done, your clothes are hanging off you! This method also works well with the ‘fast and feed’ plan, wearing your tight clothes on fast days will leave you feeling like you’ve troughed your way through a five course meal (well alright, you might also need to use a little imagination!) whereas your bigger outfits on a feed day will allow you to feel comfortable eating what you like – just don’t overdo it and end up filling your ‘big’ pants! |
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Cathy Lennon – Acquire a Labrador |
| The canine equivalent of the fat bridesmaid in lemon taffeta on your wedding photos, a Labrador will do comparative wonders for your silhouette. But he’s a practical help as well. You can get rid of those kitchen scales – when it comes to portion control, what he can demolish in thirty seconds makes the contents of your plate seem positively dainty. Even better, your chances of finishing anything are slim. Without a lifebelt and wellies you’ll have to hand over at least half of what you’re eating or risk drowning in a drool tsunami. Even cucumber and apple cores. And quinoa. (See! Helpful or what?)Not only can the Labrador deploy the Vulcan death stare to Oscar-winning standard when you’re trying to eat, he will offer you the same ‘aid to willpower’ when it comes to exercise. Labradors are creatures of habit. You thought death and taxes were hard to avoid? Try missing his usual walk time. Seriously. Psychologists in the military use Labradors as the go-to training aid for SAS-style relentlessness. You’ll cave. Eventually.On the plus side – and Labradors usually are – you’ll have someone who looks fatter than you do in high viz lycra. And to keep your motivation up he’ll always let you win any race. Well, you won’t be stopping every few yards to sniff crisp packets and lick empty Greggs bags, will you? (WILL YOU?!) But don’t do your business in the street like he does. Unless you’re an actual marathon runner. |
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Jane Lovering – ‘Bum’s Away’ |
| I recommend placing a large picture of one’s object of desire some six feet distant, then practising ‘lunging’ forward with alternate legs to place a kiss upon said object of desire. Not only does this shape the behind, but it gives necessary practice in the ‘snog and retreat’, which comes in handy should one actually meet the object of one’s desire.# Aim for ten kisses with each leg. #no liability accepted for restraining orders. |
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Clare Mackintosh – The upside-down diet tip: a poem |
| I was trim, I was slim,
I attended a gym, Then I left work to become a writer. Now I scoff, and I trough (and I’m still no Chekhov). It’s no shock that I’m getting no lighter. I’m game for a change, I can’t stay the same, And I’ve hit on the perfect idea, It’ll win, I’ll be thin, I’ll have only one chin, A skinnier version of Shakespeare. So what is the plot? It won’t take a lot, I shall stand on my head when I’m eating. When I chew on my stew, without further ado It’ll stay in my head (that’s the cheating). Begone, Deli jelly! Don’t enter my belly, Go right up and hand-feed my brain. All that bread can instead go direct to my head, With an order of chicken chow mein. I shall shrink, I shall slink, I’ll be able to think, With such nutrients feeding my mind. I shall write, I shall fight, I won’t ever turn upright, In my quest for a tiny behind. The End. p.s. Don’t try this at home. |
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Tony Tibbenham – Roll 6 for Chocolate |
| If you really want that chocolate roll a dice and if you get a 6 you are allowed the treat. Variations include rolling 2 dice and only allowing the treat if you get double 6.Things to be aware of: Only allow yourself one roll per treat, no rolling for hours until the 6 appears. Consider rolling really vigorously so you must scramble all round the room and under the sofa to find the dice after the roll: That way you get exercise and the chance of a treat. |
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And next weekend we shall be announcing the winner!
For a reminder of the prize…
The entrants had to: Write a diet or fitness tip in no more than 250 words. Entries were be judged on originality and entertainment value.
The author of the best tip will win: a week’s writing course with Jane Wenham-Jones, September 28th-4th October 2013 at Chez Castillon (see http://chez-castillon.com for full description) including meals and accommodation (flights not included) – worth £875.
And as a late addition to the goodies on offer, Janie and Mike Wilson – owners of the fabulous Chez-Castillon, have offered two £100 vouchers towards a course of the winners’ choice (terms and conditions apply). So THREE lucky names will be revealed here next Sunday at 6pm…
Thank you again to all that entered!
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Jane Wenham-Jones 
Laughed myself silly! You found 5 people with whacky senses of humour like yours, Jane.
Thank you for the humour, life is a bit grim right now. Friends dying of cancer, not one or two but five!!!!!
Rowan
So sorry to hear that xx but glad you enjoyed tips. take care x
‘Acquire a Labrador’ is my favourite.
Very witty all. Can I add that I’ve actually got TWO guzzling labradors and I can verify that they do indeed eat anything and everything. Mine ate (well chewed without swallowing as were obviously on a “feeling fat” day) my much prized Kindle. They are great for the walks too and would be more than happy to stop by the baker’s on the way back. Good luck everyone.
I enjoyed them all, but the poem is my favourite!
Love them all, particularly Clare’s poem.